It has been a day since I came to the realization that food is my drug of choice. And since I use food to soothe my emotional pain and provide comfort in times of stress, there is no doubt that food has to be considered a drug regardless if my body needs it to survive. I had always heard that a person should treat food a fuel for the body and not as a recreational toy but that is a concept that was always lost on me. Eating was a part of every aspect of life and when I think back on pivitol moments in my family’s history, usually eating in one form or another went hand in hand with these events.
As a child I was always active but I remember looking forward to Fridays as this was the day my mom would go grocery shopping. Not only did I get a special treat of football cards for being good, I was assured of a box of animal crackers to keep me quiet as we meandered through the store. After we left the store we made sure to find the grocery bag that contained the more cookies as it was a long 25 minute drive home and everyone in the car needed a few cookies to tide them over until we arrived at our front door. Once home, the open bag of cookies would stay on the table while the groceries were put away but we all knew nibbling on these tasty treats was encouraged of each of us kids until the contents were nearly devoured.
At an early age, Saturday mornings were special because it meant cartoons and cereal in front of the televison. I would get up and pour myself a rather large bowl of sugary cereal (usually Captain Crunch) and munch while watching Bugs Bunny and the rest of his friends for hours. It wasnt unusual to have a large box of cereal in our house, disappear from the cupboards in a weekend.
My parents had a large chest freezer in our garage and it was usually filled with cakes, cookies, ice cream and other treats with the idea that there would always be something available when company came by. My family did have a constant stream of visitors swinging by the house when I was a child and I believe maybe my mom felt it would not be appropriate to have company pay a visit and not offer them some sort of treat while gathering around our large dining room table. Many times I remember hearing my mom say “go out to the freezer and take a cake out because company is coming over”. Of course having this ready access to treats also made those late need, sweet tooth desires fairly easy to eleviate with a quick run across the cold, concrete floor and a dive into the frozen stillness of the freezer.
As I grew up there were hundreds of family gatherings which meant large feasts for all. We were encouraged to eat by my German relatives while sitting around the dinner table then afterwards asked by these same relatives why we were so fat. Now we all know Germans are not know to be the skiiniest of people and my relatives were certainly no exceptions to this rule. I know I used to laugh them off while deep down inside being so hurt by these comments that I used to plan my escape when word of their visit was announced. As the years went by the comments remained as waist lines increased for all involved. As an adult, these relatives how now passed away leaving in their wake a history of hurtful comments and a lifetime of eating disasters.
Looking back on my history has helped me understand where I have come from and how the seeds of food addiction could have been planted in my head. Now its up to me to look forward and fight this battle but I know it cannot be done alone. I need support from a good counselor as well as help from God above to make this change I have been writing about for nearly 4 years now. Diets and lap band surgery could not make the changes that need to come from my head and not from my heart. But these changes in my head are ironically needed to save my heart!! Here’s to taking it day by day and hour by hour.
