Wow where have the years (and NOT the pounds) gone?

I was just looking over my blog and realized that I started this blog over four years ago in anticipation of having the Lap-Band weight loss surgery performed on me.  I was full of hope and anticipation before the surgery but here we are nearly four years later and I am only about 25 pounds less than I was when I started. What happened?

I will tell you what happened…I learned to cheat the band and continued to eat like I normally did without doing any additional exercise. The band is only a tool and like any other tool, if not used right it will be of little use.  So where does that leave me?

I will tell you where it leaves me.  It leaves me pissed off at myself. It leaves me disappointed in everything I have done,  It leaves me feeling even less of myself than I did before the surgery.  It leaves me feeling like a loser and a failure.  It leaves me right back at where I started. Nothing has changed except for being four years older. 

Its time for an all out war on my weight and on my mental health.  I have been told many times that weight loss is in one’s own head and in the head is where it starts.  If I am going to lose any weight I have to want it….need it….and go after it with the energy I would go after a pizza with cheese and sausage.  A plan is needed and this is what I need to do.  A plan on how and what to eat as well as a plan for the short and long term. lets call it a plan for living because as it stands, I am not living, I am surviving.  I want to live. I want to fly to places I have never seen. I want to experience life like others do. I want to know my grand kids and see them grow up.  I want to grow old with my wife and complain about our aches and pains when we are in our 70′s and NOT our 40′s.  Time is running out on my and I need to do this now.  Sustaining my mental capacity to make this change will be harder to do than actually losing weight.  I need the strength to see myself through this and a faith in God that he will help me overcome if I just ask. This IS something I can do….do I want it bad enough?  That is the question.

Baby steps

This mind over matter “stuff” is actually sinking in to my head when it comes to watching what I eat. On the way to work today I had a huge craving for a a greasy breakfast sandwich washed down by a sugary iced beverage from the golden arches.
I was falling into the same old patterns, plotting my stop at the restaurant even before my feet touched the floor just like I can only imagine an alchoholic would do(I said I was a food addict). I got in my car and thought about how good these things would taste and then something strange happened. I remembered how I looked in some recent photos and remembered how dumbstruck I was to actually see how big I had become. I have been able to brush off these thoughts of the photos previously and allowed my desires to take over but this morning was different. I actually remember the Bible verses I had written down that I thought would help me in a time of need just like this one. I read those verses and imagined myself skinny and then did something I should have done years ago. I prayed. I asked God to helpo me get through this drive to work and asked for strenghth to not pull into the drive through. I have come to realize that I am powerless to combat this addiction on my own and that I needed God’s help to get me through it. While it wasnt easy, I didnt pull in!! I felt like I fought this need for food this morning for a good part of my drive but the thing is I didint stop. I didnt let this addiction control me, I, with the help of God, controlled it!! For me, this is a huge step and one to celebrate if only for a short while because the drive home will provide me with an even larger challenge. One day at a time, one hour at a time!!

My name is Andrew…and I am a food addict part two

It has been a day since I came to the realization that food is my drug of choice.  And since I use food to soothe my emotional pain and provide comfort in times of stress, there is no doubt that food has to be considered a drug regardless if my body needs it to survive.  I had always heard that a person should treat food a fuel for the body and not as a recreational toy but that is a concept that was always lost on me.  Eating was a part of every aspect of life and when I think back on pivitol moments in my family’s history, usually eating in one form or another went hand in hand with these events.

As a child I was always active but I remember looking forward to Fridays as this was the day my mom would go grocery shopping.  Not only did I get a special treat of football cards for being good, I was assured of a box of animal crackers to keep me quiet as we meandered through the store.  After we left the store we made sure to find the grocery bag that contained the more  cookies as it was a long 25 minute drive home and everyone in the car needed a few cookies to tide them over until we arrived at our front door.  Once home, the open bag of cookies would stay on the table while the groceries were put away but we all knew nibbling on these tasty treats was encouraged of each of us kids until the contents were nearly devoured. 

At an early age, Saturday mornings were special because it meant cartoons and cereal in front of the televison.  I would get up and pour myself a rather large bowl of sugary cereal (usually Captain Crunch) and munch while watching Bugs Bunny and the rest of his friends for hours.  It wasnt unusual to have a large box of cereal in our house, disappear from the cupboards in a weekend. 

My parents had a large chest freezer in our garage and it was usually filled with cakes, cookies, ice cream and other treats with the idea that there would always be something available when company came by.  My family did have a constant stream of visitors swinging by the house when I was a child and I believe maybe my mom felt it would not be appropriate to have company pay a visit and not offer them some sort of treat while gathering around our large dining room table.  Many times I remember hearing my mom say “go out to the freezer and take a cake out because company is coming over”.  Of course having this ready access to treats also made those late need, sweet tooth desires fairly easy to eleviate with a quick run across the cold, concrete floor and a dive into the frozen stillness of the freezer.

As I grew up there were hundreds of family gatherings which meant large feasts for all.  We were encouraged to eat by my German relatives while sitting around the dinner table then afterwards asked by these same relatives why we were so fat.  Now we all know Germans are not know to be the skiiniest of people and my relatives were certainly no exceptions to this rule.  I know I used to laugh them off while deep down inside being so hurt by these comments that I used to plan my escape when word of their visit was announced.  As the years went by the comments remained as waist lines increased for all involved.  As an adult, these relatives how now passed away leaving in their wake a history of hurtful comments and a lifetime of eating disasters.

Looking back on my history has helped me understand where I have come from and how the seeds of food addiction could have been planted in my head.  Now its up to me to look forward and fight this battle but I know it cannot be done alone.  I need support from a good counselor as well as help from God above to make this change I have been writing about for nearly 4 years now. Diets and lap band surgery could not make the changes that need to come from my head and not from my heart.  But these changes in my head are ironically needed to save my heart!!  Here’s to taking it day by day and hour by hour.

My name is Andrew, and I am a food addict!!

My weekend was crammed full with thoughts from Saturday morning about food addiction. I had a chance to look up some information online and, with the exception of throwing up what I just ate, I have all the classic symptoms of a food addict.
I need to get this part of my life taken care of once and for all. Make a councelor appointment, get right with God and become deadly serious about this weight loss/eating issue because, well it is deadly serious for me. As my wife says, How many 500 pound old men do we ever see? The answer….not many. I have my wife checking out a councelor for me, I just signed up for a food addicts support group website and I need to get on my knees and ask for help. No longer can I expect to take the easy way out of this food addiction because there just is not a easy way out option for me. This is going to be a very rough road ahead.

Shot to the heart and I am to blame……….

Pardon the John Bon Jovi mention in the title of this post but today I took a shot to my heart and I am the one to blame.

Obviously as the title of the my blog states I am a 500 pound man who has struggled with his weight for some time now. Lap band surgery and various diets have not helped and frustration has set in as I know my time on this earth is limited if I do not remove this weight from my body.  At breakfast this morning it was pointed out to me by my wife that my 24 year old son watched the television show, “Biggest Loser, Home Edition” or something like that and he saw a man on there that probably could have been my twin.  Big, fat, jovial and generally a happy person despite being larger than two average size human beings.  I was told the man lost a good deal of weight but when the weight loss coach left him on his own, he failed to lose any more weight despite having thousands of dollars of equipment installed in his home. The hefty man finally admitted that he was a food addict and realized that, until he addresses this addiction he will never lose weight.  My wife informed me that my son seemed disappointed and realized that man on television represented me exactly and all hope for a normal life with his father seems to have been destroyed.

It was at that moment at breakfast that I realized I am a food addict.  Its not like I didnt know this previously because looking in the mirror and seeing 500 pounds of human flesh staring back at you in the mirror is a pretty good indication that food plays a major part of one’s life. This realization scared me and caused me ponder on it all day.  Like many things in my life when it comes to my weight I will ponder all day and usually dismiss the idea a day or two later when I pass by the first McDonalds I see. I need to get a good handle on this so I can actually have a life with my family.  I want to grow old with my wife and see my grandkids marry and have kids. I want to see my son get married and have a life he can enjoy but I need to make this happen.  If you have read any of my blogs you will know this is a common theme in my writings and surely are rolling your eyes as you read this knowing that I have spouted this kinda drivel before and took no action on my weight loss.  Sadly, this is a pattern that I am good at and need to find a way to break this addiction that seems to have a death grip on me.

ugh

They say from the depths of despair you find the outer peelings of a person stripped away to reveal the real person inside and I think I have hit that moment in my life. It has been nearly three years since my weight surgery and nothing has changed for me. The weight is still there, the emotional trials that being a fat man bring remain and family and friends have lost any hope that I will lose any weight in my lifetime. I can no longer cry or laugh as my situation seems to have evolved into a pathetic life with no hope of breaking out. It just seems that outside of work and school I have lost all interest in anything and this downward spiral is taking me to places I do not want to go.

Early on before deciding on the viability of the surgery I had mentioned to a few people in my life that I really felt that I was going to have to tackle this weight loss the hard way and not use surgery or a “magic pill” to melt thse pounds off of my frame. Three years later I believe this to be true. Losing weight is a head game and I believe I now have the biggest battle of my life ahead of me and I can no longer push this issue off to a dark place of my mind and refuse to deal with it. This is a battle I have to win to bring back my life and all the things I used to enjoy. I am so scared that, like everythingelse in my life I wont deal with this and accept my fate. I need to get the idea of a total lifestyle change through my head and realize that there is no magic potion of surgical procedure that can accomplish what I need to get done. Mentally, I am not sure if I have this ability and I am not going to sit here and pretend I do. Somehow I need some assistance from above to battle through this and win my life back.