3 pounds and counting

I had a chance to weigh in this last weekend and the result was a total of 3 pounds lost since my last weigh in.  This brings my total weight loss to 45 pounds which is just 5 shy of my 1st weight loss goal.  When I started this whole process I told myself once I lose 50 pounds I will know that I can actually do this weight loss thing and allow myself to dream of a smaller me.  The last 5 pounds has been a struggle for me mainly because my head has been getting back into the old ways of thinking and therfore the old ways of eating.  I have been able to reason with myself that a little cheating was ok and that I could work off the calories from what I ate and have no problems losing weight.  I have also not been walking as much as I did earlier in the weight loss journey which has contributed to a slower and less productive weight loss for me.  3 pounds is always great and many people have told me that I should not be too hard on myself and that a “loss is a loss” but I know I could have done alot better.  I should be at the 50 pound mark by now but I am not and it is bothering me.  This is bothering me so much that I gave myself a mental butt kicking and need, not want, but NEED to get back doing what I was doing when I was losing weight at a higher rate.  I need to quit messing around and kidding myself that cheating…even a little is ok and get back to my exercise routine and avoid situations that will give me a opportunity to cheat.  This past weekend we had special company stay with us so we all ate slightly worse than we should have but I cannot allow myself to fall back into that mental trap  of allowing myself to eat the wrong things because band or no band….I still can gain this weight back and be right where I started. 

They say the camera does not lie and I found this to be true yesterday when I found some old rolls of film that were sitting around the house and had them developed.  Scenes from last Christmas and the holidays showed me that i am freaking HUGE.  Not fat but Huge.  lets call it what it is….HUGE…FAT….OBESE.   I think the average person who is overweight does not get a true sense of their size until they see themselves in photos or on videotape.  Again you could lie to yourself and say that the camera adds on a extra 10 pounds but for me at this point 10 pounds is a drop in the bucket!!  Once the average big person sees themselves in photos they will avoid having their picture taken because they just dont want to deal with the pain that is caused by seeing yourself as you really are… a large unhappy person.  I have been in this position more years than I care to admit and yesterday, seeing myself in those photos was only made slightly better by telling myself I am now 45 pounds smaller than when these photos were taken.  Even with the loss of 45 pounds I am still immense and now the need to lose weight has been reinforced even more.  I have actually taken my “fat picture” and have placed it on my computer at work to remind me of where I started and in all reality where I still am at this point in my life.  I want to use it as a motivational tool to remind me that I need to take a walk at my lunch hour instead of surfing the internet and also to remind me that my lunch should be a healthy one and not some crappy food choice.  If I have to sit and look at the fat me all day while at work I will have that image burned into my head as I head home for the day and will not be tempted to stop and cheat.  These photos have come to me at a pivitol time in my weight loss journey as it has once again fired me up at a point when I was getting comfortable with life again, and we all know that getting comfortable leads to falling back into old ways.  I never want to be comfortable again.  I want to continually challenge myself and not let my old ways of thinking creep back into my mind which would lead me astray and back into destructive behavior.  I just have to keep my eye on what I am doing and realize  what lies ahead of me after all the weight I need to lose is off of me.  I have to realize and remember that nothing but great things are ahead of me and that the second half of my life can be a thousand times better than what I had in the first half of my life.  Better jobs, better relationships with people who care about me, amusement parks, ball games, airplane rides to see grandkids are all things I need to continually remind myself  are ahead of me if I only can stop this destructive behavior.  I am confident i can do it but sometimes I just need a mental kick in the pants. 

This week I am back to half turkey sandwiches and rice cakes for lunch.  Rice cakes…gotta love rice cakes…especially the chocolate ones!!  mmmmmm

Is it Friday again??? why do I want until the end of the week???

Yep here it is…another Friday and another promise to not talk about eating struggles on the weekend.  We are due to have one of those weekends here in the midwest that you only dream about in January while enduring -20 degree windchills.  85 degrees, sunny and humid ensures my electric meter will be spinning fast enough to slice meet on it!  Complaining is not something I will do though as these kinds of days do not come around often and very shortly we will be raking leaves and wearing flannel outside. 

I did not weigh in last weekend so I am not sure what my progress has been in terms of weight loss.  I do plan on going tomorrow to the doctors office and will update this blog sometime this weekend with the outcome.  I have found myself walking more and more this last 2 weeks and I might actually hit my goal of walking a 5K earlier than next summer.  I just need to be more consistant in my walking routine and learn to take it easy on my body and not try to do to much at one time.  On Wednesday of this week I had alot of time on my hands at work and I would estimate I walked at least 2 miles total.  I could barely get out of bed the next day as my knees were just killing me so I need to get used to this exercise and not overdue it.

Really not much happening in my world this past week.  I am just trying to eat right and walk so I can take even more weight off.  I am finding the “eating right” portion of the weight loss equation is proving to be the toughest part to overcome.  I really dont like to come home and cook after working all day and my wife hates it even more so we are learning to do what we have to do to eat right.  My inlaws were over this past weekend and we made a chicken, asiago cheese and spinach sausage we picked up from Sam’s club a few weeks back.  (yes all of that combined in one sausage!) This sausage sounded disgusting at 1st but we tried it while at Sam’s and were really surprised how good it tasted. The sausage has a low amount of fat grams as well as low sodium which fit right into our diet guildlines so we bought it even though it was somewhat pricey for us!   The person doing the demo then said she put this sausage, that resembles real Wisconsin brats, in her sphagetti and I decided to try that method for the inlaws.  The sausage comes pre cooked but I did cook it a little in the skillet and tossed it into the sauce and simmered it for a half hour and them served it over angel hair pasta.   It was actually pretty good and very filling.  I took a small amount of pasta and one whole sausage and didnt finish either of them.  One mistake I made is making regular angel hair pasta and not looking for the whole wheat pasta that I have been reading about.  Since regular pasta is made from white flour it will turn to sugar quicker in the body which then turns to fat.  Whole wheat is digested differently and would have been a healthier choice for this dinner.  I have to keep reminding myself that I need to make better food choices and no longer choose the same old foods that got me to where I am at now….nearlry 500 pounds.  Choosing whole wheat pasta for this dish would have made it a even heathier alternative….but like I said, we are still learning. 

I have been trying to avoid white flour products and white breads and crackers in general based on what I read on the 50million pounds web site.  The white flour products are just not a good food choice and I have been trying to replace them with whole wheat breads or just not eat them at all.  My son works at a Panera bread and one of the side benefits of working there is occasionally they can bring home some unsold products for the family to enjoy.  Before my surgery we would meet him at the door like a puppy dog all in hopes he was carrying a bag with him and if he wasnt we would not talk to him the rest of the night.  (not really but it seemed that way! )  Bagels or cinnamon buns are some of the things he would bring but now that I have had the surgery I cant eat most of these things anymore.  This last Wednesday he did bring some bagels home and anyone that knows me knows that bagels are a weakness of mine and will even eat them plain with nothing on them.  I had a half of bagel late Wednesday night and woke up just feeling crappy and sluggish.   Like a idiot I then took one with me for the drive to work and could not figure out why I had no energy all day.  Like a light going off in my head I remembered that these heavy white bread products were being processed by my body which slowed me down for the day.  I am not a doctor (and dont even play one on TV) but I am sure that the sluggishness came from these bagels I was eating and contributed to my lack of energy.  Just like a overeater at a Thanksgiving feast I felt like I needed an nap the whole day.  I am slowly coming to the realization that i need to eliminate  this food group from my diet if my weight loss will be a success.  Its like saying goodbye to a old friend but its something I need to do or I will never lose all the weight i want to lose. 

Well time to get back to work and get some lunch.  Turkey on whole wheat….hold the mayo……and some baked lays chips.  Gotta love that turkey.  Pretty soon I will be sprouting feathers!!  Have a great weekend.

Nothing really……….Just Rambling

I feel like my blogs have had a Seinfeld feel to them in that there is a lot of words but no real point to anything I am saying.  I started this blog mainly to keep track of my progress after my weight loss surgery and never thought anyone else would take a interest in my mindless thoughts.  6 months after starting this blog started I see I have had over 300 hits and the traffic to the site has averaged 5-7 hits per day for the last month.  I am not sure who is reading my nonsense but thank you and I hope so far it has been somewhat enjoyable.  I am sure I have my daughter to thank for directing much of this traffic from her Myspace page and for that I am thankful.  Its funny that there are days I wake up thinking that maybe someday someone will see my blog and before I know it I will be on the Today show being interviewed by Matt Lauer and other days I think who really cares about what I have to say.  I have had thoughts of writing a book about what I have went through and I might actually try to start that one day soon.  If Seinfeld can do 14 years of TV about absolutely nothing why cant I write a book about a fat man losing weight and the problems that go with the journey!!

As I mentioned I started this blog mainly for myself and to keep track of where I have been but I have found the more I write the more I am in touch with myself and the blog provides a way for me to express myself as well.  I have also found that this blog is a source of inspiration and encourages me to continue the weight loss.  I know some people who really care about me are watching from a distance and I would hate to have to come on this site and admit that 4 weeks in a row I have not lost a ounce because I have gotten lazy. (this has not happened by the way!!)  So in a way this blog and the various readers are a source of inspiration to me.  I hope that in a small way maybe I will someday inspire others to take the step of faith and start their own weight loss journey or pursue something they thought they could never do and make it happen.

I have now arrived at the point where people can actually start seeing a difference in my size and now ask me if I am losing weight.  I used to be jealous of others when co-workers would comment on how good they look after a recent weight loss and only dreamed about how that would feel.  I now know that the feeling is nothing less than elation and something I want to continue to experience for quite some time.  The fact that your hard work is now being noticed by others makes one want to work extra hard as well as makes you pull out of the drive through lane after a moment of weakness and a craving for something you know you should not have.  There is nothing better to a fat man who is losing weight than to hear someone else tell you how good you look and that maybe “you should consider buying some new shirts as those are hanging on you now!!”  I don’t feel I am at that point right now but another 15 pounds of weight loss would really make me want to splurge on some new clothes, at least for the fall season anyway.

As I sit and type this at Starbucks with the smell of coffee stuck in my nose and the chatter of over caffeinated teenagers in my ears I sit and think about how far I have come in the last 6 months and cannot help but get angry at myself.  I feel I should be farther alone than I am in terms of weight loss and I constantly have to remind myself that the old me is now dead and the old habits and desires that came with that now hopefully forgotten man are also gone.  I am now finding new ways to handle my boredom or anger where before I would have run to the kitchen or visited the girl with the red braids and ordered a few things from her dollar menu.  After all it was only a few bucks so how bad can it really be???  Right? I know eventually that, in the end, if I stick to the plan life will be so much different and so much better but I just have to take this one day at a time.  Who knows….maybe Matt Lauer is trying to get ahold of me right now but he has the wrong number.  Matt!!!  Buddy!!! Email me!!

At Least its not Friday

It has become a habit for me to update this blog on Fridays and whine about the fact I have to weigh in the next day and not be able to eat all I feel I am entitled to just because I live in Wisconsin and good brats and beer are readily available to me!!!  And if you count the cheese, cream puffs and fried whatever on a stick it just makes me want to whine even louder but this is Tuesday and I will not bore you with my complaining.

Sharon and I spent this last Sunday with my brother and his wife at a large antique flea market not far from our house.  It was much larger than I ever expected it to be and had to have at least 10 thousand attendees and sellers packed into the local fair grounds.  Once again I was able to stay on my feet and not break into a shirt drenching sweat as we browsed what was mostly over priced crap lined up on table after table like fine jewelry.  The bigger challenge I found was not walking and staying on my feet but realizing I did not need to eat my way through the market and to take my time and eat only when I was hungry.  You name it the food was there from traditional flea market fare of corn dogs and funnel cakes to something you only see living behind the cheddar curtain like fried cheese on a stick and cream puffs…..large cream puffs. Did I mention the very fresh picked corn on the cob grilled to perfection….yes grilled….drenched in butter…..Ok I will stop.  Surprising enough I only felt hungry once and I could not pass up a real Wisconsin brat done on the grill.   Although it took me a half hour to eat I was allowed to savor each bite because of the restriction the lap band gave me.  I have found that this has been a great side effect of the surgery in that I am forced to eat slower but I actually taste my food now instead of gulping it down like a hungry German shepherd.  It has actually been enjoyable re-discovering what the foods I enjoyed in the past actually taste like all over again.

After we arrived home I had the opportunity to actually take a nap and woke up 3 hours later almost unable to move because of the pain in my joints and lower back.  Apparently I over did it with the walking and my body was not used to the exercise and was telling me it did not like it. It was easy to take the rest of the night off and do nothing more strenuous that lifting a DVD into the player and pressing play.  The next day it was a challenge to get out of bed but the job called. Thankfully I was able to do some more walking during my lunch break and not just sit at my desk reading useless message boards on the internet.  With all this walking I have to insure that I will lose some weight this weekend when I actually do step on that scale and face the terror of those little red numbers blinking back at me.  My goal for this week is 4 pounds and I will have to keep up the walking as well as watching what I eat to be able to make my goal.

On a side note that has nothing to do with my weight loss I have to update this blog and say who I saw this weekend……ok stalked this weekend.  I used to work for a major league baseball team and had a chance to meet many of the ballplayers and obtain items personally from them.  Years ago I had obtained a baseball and a very unique picture of Ryne Sandberg who was a hall of fame second baseman for the Chicago Cubs.  The items I had just screamed “I need an autograph” and since I knew Ryne would be in the area I knew this should be a easy accomplishment.  Ryne Sandberg is now a minor league manager who is trying to work his way back to the major leagues so he has to put in his time and travel in little Podunk towns with 25 players he is entrusted to manage all stuffed into a bus with little room to move.  I knew the team would be staying at a somewhat flea bag motel in a nearby town so I showed up 4 hours before the game on Saturday fully expecting to see him jogging to the bus to avoid a throng of autograph seekers.  What I got was the team bus driver in worn shorts and a faded t-shirt telling me that “Ryno” has been at the park for 2 hours and I should come back on Sunday morning if I really wanted to catch him.

Fast forward to Sunday morning at 9:30 and the team bus has yet to move but this same bus river made his way to the coffee shop attached to the flea bag motel.  As I sat in my car in the parking lot feeling like a loser as well as a stalker I questioned why I was even doing this.  I called Sharon and told her I was on my way home because I was not going to wait any more.  As I closed my cell phone and put he keys into the ignition I looked up and 10 feet in front of me walking out of the coffee shop was not the bus driver but Ryne Sandberg himself patting himself on the stomach like he just enjoyed a good Midwestern breakfast before a long day of work.  He was a little grayer and balder than I remembered but looking still like he could play second base and drive in another run in a clutch situation.  As he was trying to buy a newspaper from the machine I approached him and asked if it would be all right if he would sign my baseball and photo.  He was already annoyed that the machine would not give up the paper that was now rightfully his and even more annoyed that I was asking him to place his signature on something that I am sure he felt would be on Ebay that very night.  He signed the ball and reacted to the photo I showed him and he said that he too had he very same photo in his collection at home.  He took a closer look and commented that the item I had handed him was a classic and he enjoyed reminiscing with me and enjoyed the memories the photo brought back to him.  His annoyment turned to a smile as he asked if I wanted the photo signed and held out the sharpie I earlier had handed to him in such a way as to have me remove the cap of the pen.  He placed his signature in just the right spot and returned the sharpie to the cap that I was holding but totally missed the cap and proceeded to ink my hand in many different spots.  He shook my hand and after I thanked him he walked away and said “good seeing you again.”  Now not for one minute do I think he even remembered me from so many years ago but it was nice to see that this man…who just the week before was at the White House with the President paid the same attention to some dumb ass guy waiting on a Sunday morning in no where Wisconsin for a couple of autographs.  If you ever get a chance to read Ryne Sandberg’s induction speech at the Baseball Hall of Fame please do so. (http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2121516) The man is and will always be all class in a world where sports heroes are falling down all around us.  I have never been one to “hero worship” someone but I now find myself rooting for Ryno to make it back to the majors as a manager and hoping e has as much success as a manager as he did as a player.  The sport of baseball will be a better place if the highly paid players would only remember the fans paid their salaries and bought their bubble gum cards and its clear to me that Mr. Sandberg is one who recognizes this fact and still has that aw shucks attitude when asked for his signature.

On another side note it was funny to see I was the only person who was waiting for a autograph from this hall of famer.  It was even funnier to see guests of the hotel in Cub shirts and hats walking by this legend and not even recognizing who they were standing within spitting distance of.  I wanted to scream “You call yourselves Cub’s fans and the best player on your team in the last 30 years is in front of you” but decided not to do this and let Ryne continue on his quest for a newspaper and digest his Midwestern breakfast before heading out to work.   After all it was going to be a long day at the ballpark!

2 Months and Counting

As of this past Tuesday I have hit the 2 month mark since my lap band weight loss surgery.  To be perfectly honest it feels longer than just 2 months since I had this surgery but not for the reasons one would think. I have returned to my normal life so quickly with really no complications that its so easy to forget the surgery was done.  Amazingly enough I feel I have also adapted to the restrictions placed on me with the lap band that eating has no longer become such a huge part of my life.  Only occasionally will I wake up and immediatly think about what I am going to eat that day and obsess about it like I used to do every day of my life.  I find now its easier to dismiss those obsessive thoughts and continue on with the rest of my day.  I no longer eat because I am bored and can actually now drive the almost 2 hour ride home without having to have something to eat to keep me from being bored during the drive.   I have to continually keep myself in check though as I have found myself eating a few things I should not be eating once in a while.  

I think now that 2 months have passed I have settled into a comfort zone and have not challenged myself to not only lose weight at a more rapid pace but I have also found myself no longer trying different, heathier eating options.  I feel like I have made myself so comfortable with my current lifestyle and happy with the 2 pound weight loss per week that I am willing to cut corners and do things I should not be doing.  Dont get me wrong…. I am not out there eating big macs and bags of french fries.  I have just deviated from what I was doing to give me early weight loss success and I need to find the path back to where I was. 

The lifestyle my wife and I established years ago regarding our eating habits is still in place.  We rarly make a actual dinner and will many times eat a bowl of cereal or something else that is prepared quickly because I am just too tired to cook when I get home.  I need to make a meal plan for the week not only for dinner but for breakfast and lunch as well.  I need to use this plan as a road map and follow it so I can be more successful with my weight loss goals. 

Speaking of road maps…I heard a the doctor from the tv show “Celebrity Fit Club” on the radio yesterday and was really impressed by what he had to say about health and weight loss.  He mentioned something that I had already known regarding edible foods that are white.  White bread, white rice, baked potatoes and other “white” food items are frequently full of starch that will rapidly turn to sugars in your body causing fat buildup.   Anyone who knows me knows white bread, pasta and potatoes are my 3 major food groups and if you add pizza to the mix you get a pretty good idea of my pre surgery food pyramid.  It is these food items I have felt myself returning to on a more frequent basis and I need to learn to limit these items and replace them with more healthy alternatives. 

Speaking of the doctor from Celebrity Fit Club, he also mentioned that there was a web site he started called www.50millionpounds.com whose goal is just that…to have people lose a combined 50 million pounds.  This web site is using State Farm insurance as a sponsor and you can go to any State Farm agent in the country and receive a weight loss kit that includes a pedometer and other weight loss tools.  I have signed up for the 30 day meal plan that will provide meal ideas as well as shopping lists to make the job of eating right so much easier.  I am really looking forward to starting this plan and it seems this is just what I need to kick my butt into action.  Check out the website, I think you will like it.  (No I get no money or anything else from the site!!)    I will keep this blog updated regarding my meal plans and let you know how its going. 

Well off to have a beautiful weekend here in the midwest as temps are forcasted to me mild with sunny skies.  Should be a great weekend here and hopefully it will be where you are at too!.

A Update and some news!

I cant believe its been a week since I last posted but here it is, the beginning of August.  Tomorrow will be my 2 month anniversary since my surgery and I am still at the 41 pound mark in terms of eight loss.  I didnt have a chance to weigh in yesterday because I was at a trade show bright and early and arrived home late so I will have to wait until next Saturday to see where I am at in terms of weight loss. Since this show only comes to my area about once every 4 years I planned on spending the day there but was also worried and concerned that I could do all the walking needed to see everything I wanted to see at this show.  The exposition center that the show is being held at is extremely huge and would kill the feet of even the most experienced walker/runner.  The worrysome thing for me is the fact that the last time I was at this show I was unable to walk from the parking lot to the door of the exposition center without breaking out in a shirt drenching sweat and needing oxygen to breathe.  I also need to mention that I was carrying a sports bag filled with items I needed to bring which weighed in at about 25 pounds.

As I left my car I muttered a little prayer and asked for help in getting myself around the show without making me look like a sweaty pig.  I approached the doors and realized I had yet to drop one single bead or persperation from my forehead and my breathing was not the wheezing type I was used to when I attended these shows in the past.  I walked the show floor and about halfway through I realized I needed to take a rest and found a comfortable chair and watched the world go by me for the next 10 minutes.  After this rest I was able to continue walking the rest of the floor and returned to my car without hearing the pounding of my heart in my ears or having to wring out my shirt.  This was a major triumph for me and the realization has kicked in that I am actually losing this weight and a 41 pound loss really is significant.  The success at this show has actually fueled my desire to lose even more weight and I am hoping I can keep this momentum as summer starts to wind down and fall slowly creeps in.

On a side note I had mentioned I had news.  My daughter made my wife and I grandparents for the 2nd time today.  Its difficult to believe we are grandparents at a young age but its even more difficult to realize my daughter is a mother of 2 and is pretty good at it as well.  Wasnt it just yesterday we were going to her band concerts and watching her walk across the stage to accept her 8th grade diploma?  Although she and her husband live 800 miles away we get a constant stream of pictures and videos of our grandchild and I am sure more of the same for grandkid #2 will be coming shortly.  Although I have wanted to do this surgery for a number of years I think the thing that really pushed me over the edge was becoming a grandfather for the 1st time last year.  I realized that I might not be around to see him graduate high school let alone get married and have kids of his own.  I wanted to be the grandfather who took him to ball games and bought noisey toys to take home and annoy his parents with.  I think I am more confident today than ever before that I might actually be around long enough to see all things things happen….and then some.