Sometimes you don’t know things about yourself until you take a step back and really look at yourself as others actually see you. The TV show “What Not To Wear” is a great example of people not seeing themselves as others see them until it is painfully pointed out to the unlucky victim that the way they dress makes them look like a bag lady in a hurricane.
I have heard many times through the last few months the question “do you need help walking? can I get you a wheelchair?” I have seen many pictures of me but I have avoided the camera like a bank robber because I just did not want to face the fact that I am so much larger than my minds eye has led me to believe. But my size has been driven home to me many times with that one simple question. Arriving at my 1st sleep study I went directly to the office which was a good distance from the parking lot. The attendant turned and looked at me with a shocked look on his face. He said to me “are you ok? can I get you a wheelchair?”
At the hospital I needed to walk a good distance to reach the radiology department and while stopping to ask directions the well meaning nurse asked me if she could get me a wheelchair. Now the lazy ass in me thought about saying yes as this would prevent me from exerting more energy than I wanted to on this walk to another meaningless x-ray. I politely declined and carried on with my slow but deliberate walk. It was only after the x-ray tech asked me the same question did I get up enough nerve to ask him why he asked me if I needed a wheelchair. The tech looked at me like I had 3 eyes and explained to me that many people who are my size normally cannot walk any distance and need assistance walking even 50 feet or less. It was at that moment that it hit me that I have become one of those people you only hear about because they are rarely seen in public for fear of ridicule. At that moment I finally realized how big I have become.
Shame came over me after returning to my car and I sat and thought about what I have put family and friends through for so many years. The disappointment in my sons eyes as playing catch required me to throw the ball twice and sit down for a minute because my knees hurt. Old football and baseball injuries I would tell myself so I could continue to live the lie. Dancing and street fairs are only a pipe dream to my wife as our relationship and marriage have tumbled into a roommate type living arrangement. Fat has a way of taking the spontaneity out of life as calling ahead to restaurants to find out of their chairs have arms or to the movie theater to see if they have the “flip up arms” takes all of the luster of doing something at the spur of the moment. Fat also has a way of disrupting relationships and friendships as respect is lost and not easily regained.
I have realized a transformation has come over me as I make my way into middle age. I used to thrive on playing sports and being active but I started to settle on watching sports on TV while eating a bag of chips or ice cream or whatever was not previously inhaled by me. In this transformation I have sucked others into my web and they have been caught up into this vortex of eating and inactivity that has stolen so many years from my life. Yes, I am going through another life changing event with this surgery I am facing but behind me I have left a wake of hurt and spent emotions. Although my surgery will provide me a means to a end and allow me to lose weight more rapidly, others that have been sucked into my web are left to deal with their emotions and the after affects of years of refrigerator abuse. I totally understand the feelings that have been expressed to me and I do feel somewhat responsible and cannot hide behind the tired old line of ” I didnt force you to eat that!”
Just as I am getting help in losing this weight I know I have a responsibility to help others that are left in my wake to put their lives back together to live a long and healthy life. Can this be done? Only time will tell. But I think that by acknowledging the damage I did to my family and trying to make these changes and help others along the way is the only way I can possibly hope to repay them for what I did as a obese and inactive father and husband. Street fairs and movies, Baseball games and games of catch with my kids. Games of catch with my grandkids and slow dancing and wispering the words to “wonderful tonight” into my wife’s ear as we slow dance on each new years eve. It will be only at these times that I will know that I am no longer who I was, but I have become the person who I saw in my minds eye.
As Paul Harvey would say……..”partly personal!”
Sharon, we will work it out. We will learn to eat right and not eat Eli’s cheesecake and call that dinner anymore
Daniel, I cannot wait to go to baseball game with you and be able to enjoy it together. Sitting in those seats will let me know that I have finally lost enough weight where we can walk to our seats and actually sit in them.
Crystal, We never spent alot of time together but I do miss you and would love to actually be in your kids life. I don’t want to be known as the fat grandfather seen only in pictures because I was dead long before the kids had a chance to meet me. I hope I can be included in their lives as well as yours and Jim’s.
And now for me….Since this blog was started as a roadmap to see not where I am going but to see where I have been. Lose the weight you big dummy! Don’t stop at McDonalds for a small burger because you will probably only throw it up anyway. Remind yourself that food should never take precedence over your family. Food has become your mistress and you have been treating her better than your own loved ones. Take advantage of this second chance you are getting and make those life changes that you know you need to do. Remember…….YES YOU REALLY ARE THAT FAT…IF NOT FATTER!.
